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  It’s almost sneaky the way it happens. A couple of visits to the Las Piedritas taco truck for $5 burritos, a night out at Wimpy’s for $2.50 well drinks, a too-good-to-pass-up sale on Bonobos.com, then a couple of auto-payments hit my account for bills and my gym membership, and suddenly I have $500 less in checking than I did the week before. It’s as if I’m tying hundred-dollar bills to a cat and sending her off into the wilderness, never to be seen again.

  Before I realize what’s happened, I’m destitute, with nothing to show for it except a burrito-induced tummy ache and orange chino shorts that don’t even fit because of all the burritos I’ve been eating.

  5. I AM JEALOUS OF EVERYONE FOR THEIR SUCCESS, BE IT REAL OR IMAGINED

  I’m at that age where many of my friends are getting married and having little goblin offspring of their own. Every week I open my mailbox to find save-the-dates and wedding announcements, oftentimes from people I hardly remember. The barrage of invites is endless.

  I remember being eight and adamantly claiming that I’d never get married (unless it was to Sailor Moon) and that I’d rather die than have children of my own. I’ve softened somewhat on the notion of children, though currently I can’t imagine my life with a son or daughter present. I can fathom no worse hell than having to pause my Skyrim game to change a diaper, and yet I somehow find myself jealous of all my friends who are getting married and becoming pregnant.

  It shouldn’t be a competition. I don’t even want to get married and I certainly don’t want kids right now, but I still stare at all the wedding announcements pinned to my fridge with a mixture of envy and loathing.

  I try to remind myself that this is just a symptom of the Facebook age and that we all make unreasonable comparisons of ourselves and our peers. Then I brew a scalding-hot cup of Tieguanyin and casually pour it out the window onto some unwitting passerby.

  Though my days are often filled with a vague sense of dread and foreboding, there are moments of profound insight, and I cling tightly to these, collecting them in my subconscious like precious jewels so that I may reference them later. These moments usually manifest in small and quiet ways—an electric, passionate discussion with a friend, or a walk through the city when the weather is perfect and the streets are buzzing with life. These moments are like little islands of positivity. Sometimes I get tired of swimming, but I trust there’s another little island on the horizon.

  I like to think that when my twenties come to a close, I will be at peace with myself and at one with the universe, wise and tranquil like a maharishi.

  For now, I’ll draw and I’ll write, I’ll try to learn new things, and I’ll attempt to take something positive away from every experience I have, no matter how small. I’ll try to keep my finances in check and be nice to people even when they’re being insufferable. And I’ll make Tieguanyin tea at night and imagine the Iron Goddess watching over me, telling me that someday the fruits of my labor will bear out and I will be happy and prosperous like the farmer.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  This book would not be possible without the abundant support I received throughout the process of creating it. I’d like to thank Kristin for reading everything I’ve ever written and giving me feedback, even though she probably had better things to do. I’m thankful to Trevor for being understanding when I periodically got frustrated with my work and subsequently became a spiteful monster. I’m grateful to my agent Monika and my editor Pippa, both of whom offered guidance during the very tricky process of crafting a book. And I have to thank my mother, who always made sure I had a book in my hands.

  Thank you for buying this ebook, published by Hachette Digital.

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  CONTENTS

  COVER

  TITLE PAGE

  WELCOME

  DEDICATION

  THE ART OF MOVING ON

  THE CHOCOLATE MILK INCIDENT

  CITY LIVIN’

  CREEPY FRIENDS

  WORLD’S BEST BOSS

  NIGHT PEOPLE

  FOUR DAYS PRETENDING TO BE A RABBIT

  CALL OF THE WILD

  WHAT COULD GO WRONG?

  TO SERVE AND ANNOY

  THE BREAKUP BREAKDOWN

  MAHALO, COME AGAIN

  IRON GODDESS OF MERCY

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  NEWSLETTERS

  COPYRIGHT

  Copyright

  Copyright © 2013 by Adam Ellis

  All rights reserved. In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading, and electronic sharing of any part of this book without the permission of the publisher is unlawful piracy and theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), prior written permission must be obtained by contacting the publisher at [email protected]. Thank you for your support of the author’s rights.

  Grand Central Publishing

  Hachette Book Group

  237 Park Avenue, New York, NY 10017

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  First ebook edition: July 2013

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  ISBN 978-1-4555-1699-5